Courage is Fear that Said its Prayers

Good Friday Service:
A good friend invited me to her church's Good Friday service.  I went back to work on Thursday and Friday.  I taught a class to adults on Friday, was on my feet all day and I was tired but I really felt God nudging me to go.

What an awesome experience.  It was beyond anything I have experienced BUT I know better.  I have a clue now.  I have been primed for this moment.  It was hard, it was raw, I was reluctant but at the end when we had quiet reflective moments with communion I was clearly told I had to let go and let God.

Hi, my name is Blenna and I am a control freak.....   God made me this way I often say.  He uses it in me to plan, maintain and organize. He called me to work with these little minds.  My mission field of classroom works well this way.   Well,  He likes it........  until He doesn't.  Yes, there are certainly areas in my life that this serves me well and then there are other areas like parenting a young (fiercely independent, competent) adult child.  I am in awe of her.   She has adjusted well. She's responsible and competent and ALIVE.  She's ready to put this in her back pocket and get back to her life of college and friends.  They kept me around for a while to uber drive them to a concert but soon it was clear I was not needed.  So I moved to my aunt and uncle's house just 20 minutes away. After two days there it was obvious that I was the only one not getting back to my own responsibilities.   How can I leave and live three hours away.  Mark came and got me on Tuesday.  I went back to work but I was completely consumed with thinking about her, wondering at every moment what her BS was. Did she make it through the night?  She was patiently texting me but I was noticing a change in the information.  Her text were moving from numbers and specifics about T1D to regular conversations and just general "I'm good" when referring to her numbers for the day.

So back to Good Friday- I had to let go.  I had to trust.  I had to realize that I am not the God of Leah. There is nothing I can do to keep her as safe as He can.  As He gently peeled my praying hands off and took that responsibility from my crying self, I actually felt relief.   I went home, went to bed and slept about ten hours straight.  

Courage is Fear that said its prayers